not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
