i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I pour the whiskey from now on
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
