i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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