all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
