Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
