Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Randomize
