Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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