is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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