I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
