i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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