I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
