I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
