If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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