it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
