so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
