then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
