I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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