i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
