Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize