my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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