It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
