my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
