I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
