I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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