I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
