don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
