she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
