how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
