I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
