My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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