Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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