you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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