Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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