My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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