i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
