I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
