I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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