did you get engaged???
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
