Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
