he thought i was a dude.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
