I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
