your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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