I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
