thus making me awesome and them whores
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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