i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
