people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
