Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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