it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
