now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
