Only a mothe r could love this liver
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
