I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
COCAINE IS GR8
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize