Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize