remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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