Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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