Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
