i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
false alarm, still single
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